Pestis eram vivus
by not-impressed
Summary: ...moriens tua mors ero. Living, I was your plague - dying, I shall be your death. Warning: LightxL yaoi, rated M for a reason


Deafening gunshots and stinging pain that almost made his eyes jump out of their sockets... Shouts behind his back, empty road that seemed endless, red sunset and terrible fear. Abandoned warehouse and stiff, cold stair footsteps – red. Everything was red. He needed to run, farther and farther away from this red color, from people that red color brought. Red... Everything was red...

He seemed to be falling into a dreamless slumber, but the rest didn't last long – his body didn't even go numb from the uncomfortable position he was in. Light opened his eyes, breathed in dusty, dry air and suddenly realized he was being watched. There was no threat in the invisible stare, just a fixed, pressing awareness. Quickly, his eyes skimmed over the surroundings – nothing was red anymore, on the contrary, it seemed that there suddenly were no colors at all. Ceiling, floor, walls, stairs, sunset – gray, as on a black and white photo. The lack of colors made him feel calmer somehow. No red – no problems...

Light waited for the invisible observer to call him before sitting up on the stair and uttering hoarsely:

"Come out. I can feel you."

A rustle was heard then, coming out from a dark, distant corner of the premises. The darkness slowly started to dispel, turning into white mist that soon revealed a tall figure of a man. Scrawny man with long sinewy legs, man whose eyes seemed to glow faintly.

Light watched and felt his insides tearing apart.

_So many years, _he thought. In the shadows, in autumn puddles, in dusted mirrors – he saw those lackluster gray eyes. Man had his head bowed down while taking slow steady steps towards him. When he stepped into the ray of sun, halting right before him, a cold gust of air flew through the space between them.

Light held his breath, frozen.

Pale, dark-haired man in white sweater and faded blue jeans, barefooted and skinny, shifted on his legs. His hair hung, covering his face. His hands were ducked deep into the pockets of his jeans.

"Hello, Raito-kun," he said.

In a split second Light closed the distance between them, clutching at the man's angular shoulders - L swayed.

"Is this you?" Light asked feverishly. "Is this really you?"

"You know it."

Light knew. Had known upon only feeling the gaze of those eyes.

L's scent that he remembered from that distant summer in almost empty, useless in its spaciousness headquarter's building – with handcuffs, sleepless nights and sudden vexing fights, - hit his nose. The feeling of familiarity was so strong, that it echoed with pain in Light's chest. He touched soft material of L's sweater with his fingers, and belated astonishment hit him: L was pretty much alive and stood before him.

He realized he couldn't stop.

"Raito-kun," L called, but Light was hearing his voice as though it was coming from afar. His palms glided down L's thin arms, reaching the rims of his sleeves and rolling them up just to stroke the skin on those arms and feel rare, subtle hair under his fingers. "Raito-kun, did you come just to stroke me?"

Eyes frenzied, Light looked at his face, put aside the hanging hair and tucked them behind L's ears.

"I don't know what you are talking about. But if it indeed was me and not you who came here, let's assume I haven't yet to figure out the reason I did so."

L listened to him, head tilted. With hair tucked behind his ears he didn't look like Light remembered him, and for a split second he felt a ting of regret he couldn't allow himself to do that earlier. Gray floor and stair reflected in L's misty eyes.

"I know why you came here," L told him thoughtfully. "Do you want to know?"

Slowly, Light shook his head._ So many years,_ he thought again and pulled L closer to himself. The latter didn't resist and fell onto Light's chest – bony, light, smelling of snow and berries. Light put his arms around him and, amazed by feelings, stroked the ribbed back. It was a free-fall jump into the past, and if not for the pain from the wounds he was still feeling, he'd probably choke on the deja vu.

L breathed into his neck. His hair was even more messier than Light remembered it.

"It's good you're not going to apologize," he said and put his hands onto the buckle of Light's trousers.

"I won't," Light agreed.

"Did Kira become god?"

"Almost. It turned out to be possible, as you see."

"I never stated it was impossible."

Light exhaled in a loud and drawn out manner. L rose up his head, and Light saw his cracked, chapped lips.

"By gods, Ryuzaki," Light said and glided his finger across his lips. "You haven't changed."

L parted dry lips and lightly pressed his teeth into the skin of Light's finger.

"Ryuzaki," Light exhaled.

Warm, wet tongue slided down his skin, Light's body shook in response. L kept licking at his finger, face still, while pressing his stomach against Light's, standing so close that subconsciously Light was counting his intakes of air.

"Ryuzaki," Light repeated in husky voice and jerked his hand away. "You've gone completely crazy."

L pulled away and his hair once again fell on his face. He wrenched out of Light's arms, moved few steps away, crouched on the dirty cement floor and patted on spot beside him.

"Take a sit, Raito-kun. Let's assume you've come here to talk."

_About what, _Light thought. What was there to talk about?

He used some of L's money to achieve his goal of building the new world, he bought apartment and he was going to marry Misa - was that what L wanted to talk about?

"Life's changed," Light said and lowered himself on the floor, next to L. "Nothing is what it used to be."

L sat there, hunched.

"It was your choice," his voice was more of a rustle.

"I do not regret it."

"And you are not sorry."

"No."

"Then what?" L asked, caustic, and smiled crookedly. "Why coming here? Did you want to see how I've been doing?"

"I told you I didn't come here or called you on purpose."

"You did. Or perhaps..." L paused and looked at him, doubt in his eyes. He kept staring for few seconds and then let out a short, unpleasant laugh. "It's funny how oblivious you can be. It's even funnier that I did not understand everything right away... Of course..."

"What are you talking about?" Light asked, feeling suppressed annoyance rising up.

"You died. Or, to be more precise, right now you're somewhere in between life and death. Curious."

"Am I?"

Something cold shifted in Light's insides, making him more than a bit uncomfortable. For some reason Light knew L was telling truth, but death seemed impossible. At the very least, he wasn't really dead. Not yet.

"I am going to die, it seems... How does it feel to be dead, Ryuzaki?" Light asked him, sneaking the stinging question with the sole purpose of wiping that crooked smile off L's face.

"Strange questions you ask."

"Your behaviour is strange. Even more strange than I remember it."

L shifted in his position and pressed his legs closer to his chest. Light sneaked a glance at his bare thin ankles and narrow feet.

"It's actually nice," L replied coldly. "For some reason you've never cared about my feelings before."

"I couldn't talk to you about that."

"And what's changed?"

Light made a helpless gesture.

"Ryuzaki, I've become older. There were many people in my life after you, and you knowing who I am now but being helpless to do anything about it, makes me feel at ease."

"Are you boasting?"

Light croaked and laughed, holding at his side. L laughed too, his laugh echoed against the concrete walls and tickled Light's back with cold chills.

"Brave Raito-kun," L uttered, chocking on laughter. "Now that he's almost dead he decides to be himself with me, and talk to me about things he's never dared before. Is this how it feels to be on the verge of life and death, I wonder?"

Like it was an answer to L's question, Light keenly felt the stinging pain from the bullet wounds and all the scratches on his body. As if he could hear Light's thoughts, L reached out for him and ran his fingers down Light's cheek, feeling large cut.

"Do you understand that it's all about your attitude?"

Light didn't answer. He was intently catching L's touches. Pale hand descended onto his neck, brushing against the collar of his shirt. Light understood that L was seeing the blood stains on his clothes, was hearing whizzes in his breath and probably already knew caliber of the gun that shot him. He took L's hand in his and placed it upon his side.

"If you're looking for the major damage, then it's here."

"The major damage is in your head," L replied but stuck the palm of his hand under the rim of Light's shirt. Light watched him fixedly, observing the pale, sharp face and milky expand of chest in the loose cut of L's sweater. "Raito," L suddenly called for him, voice low and drawn-out, Light turned his gaze to look into L's eyes. "You did regret."

Did he regret?

Did he regret, when was left as a head of investigation in that tall, useless building with only wind walking in its empty rooms? And later, when he used to wake up at nights and realize he didn't fall asleep on that obnoxious yellow sofa in the main investigating room, and saw no dim lights of monitor and dark silhouette before it? Did he feel regret or any sharp, strangling fit of bitterness when was listening to mechanic voice that called his name: _"Raito-kun. Raito-kun."_

_He wants to hear I've been looking everywhere for him_, Light thought, pulling L into embrace. _But I promised not to make amends and not to regret._

L pressed into him, closing his arms around Light's shoulders. He stroked Light's sides, looked him in the eyes and learned everything that happened after his demise. Light inclined forward, kissing soft thin lips. Once again, he felt himself drowning in the past, once again he was eighteen, groping L in the empty rooms; he even heard a vague echo of those long-faded feelings: shame from knowing he wasn't doing the right thing, and relief from knowing that it was L with whom he could act like that.

They hugged each other tightly till embrace started to hurt, till both of them exhaled with constrained moans of pain, and kissed lingeringly and wetly, gasping for air and swaying as if in some kind of dance. L dragged his sweater off his body, and Light put hands on his sides, moving L away to take a good look at him.

"You seem to have become thinner," he said.

L didn't reply, pulling Light closer, letting him bite and lick his body – all scrawny, white-skinned, with waves of ribs, and pale nipples. Light caressed him like he would stroke a cat, sliding with his palms down from the nape to the small of L's back, pulled him even closer, made him sit on his thighs. Stirring crazy with arousal, he pawed on L's ass under the loosely hanging jeans. Light thought:_ I've been dreaming about this at nights. I'm sick. _

They fell onto the cold floor and L turned to lay on his back, strewing his black hair on the gray cement. His eyes were shimmering like fen-fires. He pulled Light into himself, in between his splayed out legs, and Light pressed him into the floor, grinding against him, feeling dizzy.

"Should I turn around?" L asked, but Light picked him up under his knees. He wanted to see L's face. _Everything's different_, he thought later, when he was laying on his back, settling L above himself. L was taking fast heavy intakes of air, and uttered a cry when lowering himself on Light, and then and there he started to move, propping himself on his palms that he laid on Light's chest – careful not to touch wounds that were healing surprisingly quickly. Light closed his eyes and put his fingers upon L's hips. L's moans were sweet and poignant while he was arching his back, sticking deeper. His cheeks finally started to obtain some color. His kiss-bruised mouth was wet and red, nipples were sticking out. Light watched as his dark hair sticked to his white neck, and uttered a low growl, rolling over and bringing L under his body.

L's sinewy legs came to rest on Light's shoulders, while he was scratching the floor with his nails, moaning in time with thrusts.

_I want to do to him all those things I couldn't do before,_ Light thought, pulling away and sticking his fingers into hot, stretched entrance. _I don't know what's going to come next, this might very well be my last chance with him, and that's why right now I'll do all I know, all I can and all I've seen in porn._

Light lowered his head in between L's spread milky thighs, touching him with his tongue, clasping him with his lips, while L was gulping on air spasmodically, thrashing around on the floor, most probably tearing the skin on his back while doing that. His fingers were pulling at Light's hair, while the latter loved him with his mouth.

It was strangely, awfully quiet around them, as though someone was hungrily listening to their voices, careful not to miss a single groan or gasp. When Light turned L around, positioning him on all fours, leaning on him with his weight and pressing L's chest to the floor, a quiet, almost soundless cackle resounded. Both of them ignored it, for Light's hand crept under L's belly to squeeze and stroke him. Light then changed his position a bit, and L arched the small of his back, sticking out his butt and moaning heatedly.

"I did regret," Light breathed out into L's ear. "I did, you hear me?.."

* * *

The pain reminded of its existence when Light, powerless and empty, pressed his forehead against L's back. Under his weight, L laid down on the floor and curled into himself. Hissing, Light clutched onto his side and froze in place, trying to breathe through the pain. The wounds stopped bleeding and seemed to quickly cover with new skin, but for some reason the pain he felt was still sharp.

"Raito?"

"Wait a bit," he groaned, grating his teeth together.

"Gods are not bulletproof it seems," L hemmed. He then sat into his usual crouch, and soon enough Light noticed a small wet stain that was gathering under him.

"Are you tired?" he asked with some hope.

"I am. And you are too."

"My body is tired, not me."

Light gingerly laid down again, and L crawled closer to him. He was warm and wet, and Light threw his arm over L's body, pressing him closer and nuzzling into his hair. He heard L uttering a pleased sigh while murmuring:

"So warm..."

Light could agree, feeling the warmth not only on the outside, but in the inside as well. He stayed quiet, feeling the warmed up cement under his body and L's bony figure under his hand. It all made him feel sleepy, and he already started to sink into a dreamless slumber when L suddenly said right into his ear:

"How does it feel to live like you do?"

Light flinched. Then he smirked, looking at L curiously.

"It feels great, Ryuzaki. I'm a respected young man with boundless power and faithful followers. I bring purification to this world and I make it a better place. And I think I'll have to marry Misa soon, it would make my mother a bit more happy and it will grant me everything she can give."

"An interesting life," L whispered. "With unloved woman, friends and relatives who die for you and whom you lie to, and yourself being a mass murderer the world is tired to fight with. It's a pity that all of that has come to an end."

"How do you know?" he asked quietly.

"I couldn't not to get curious about your life, could I?"

"You could."

"A strange opinion on me you have, Raito-kun," L muttered derisively. "What if I've been missing you? One might even say I was longing for you, have you thought about that?"

Light didn't reply. L's words touched him in not exactly pleasant way. Somehow, it felt wrong that L expressed his offense like _that_. For all Light knew, L never showed any signs of real affection back when he was still alive.

Suddenly, L wrenched away from under Light's arm and crouched, hugging his shoulders. Light squinted his eyes, unable to stop looking all over him.

"And what now, Raito?" L asked. "It's actually your choice if you want to go back to live your amazing life as a god behind the cell bars. Will you do it? Will you return to that existence which will end too soon?"

"Stop it, Ryuzaki," Light asked. "I can always figure out a way out of the mess. And I'm pretty sure I won't end up living the rest of my life in jail."

"What was the hardest thing for you?" L asked with quiet anger, and once again a sudden cackle was heard. "What was the hardest thing after my death?"

"Stop it."

L hunched his shoulders. He was tapping his fingers against the palm of his hand and grinning crookedly.

"You said it yourself - you missed me. Don't argue this."

Light swallowed a thick lump in his throat. _So he does remember,_ he thought. Of course L should remember the last night they spend together and three blasted words that Light thought he should tell L before it would be too late.

"Five years passed. I'm used to living without you."

"Really?" L feigned amazement, and Light anew saw all of the marks himself left on L's body.

It suddenly became too cold. The floor under Light started to chill his skin.

"Enough of the games, just tell me what do you want?" Light asked tiredly and winced upon noticing victorious sparkles in L's eyes. His words, probably, sounded like he already gave up and threw out a white flag.

"What do I want?" L echoed. "Stay here, Raito."

Wincing again, this time from the pain in his body, Light sat on the floor.

"No."

"I'm not asking you to stay here forever. At least spend few months with me."

"Why?"

"Because you want it. I want it too. And it won't make any difference in the world of the living."

L hugged his knees and inclined forward. His nose was almost brushing against Light's.

"What will you say? Do you agree?" he whispered, and Light once again felt desire to touch him.

Few months... it's not a long space of time. And L said it won't make any difference in the real world. And during those few months Light can have L to himself, not hiding anything and living with him like he wanted to, years ago. He sighed, skimming over their surroundings and felt a slight surprise, noticing how dark it got from the moment he woke up. It was also getting colder with each minute, his body started to freeze. The sky outside got darker, too, and Light assumed it was going to rain anytime soon.

He decided to agree and already turned to L to tell him that, when his eyes suddenly noticed a dark spot. Light looked closer.

On the wall, right behind L's back a black feather was sticking out.

Light froze on spot, staring at it. Before his eyes, the feather wavered and another black feather appeared next to it.

"Raito?" L asked him in a worried tone, and Light flinched away, not recognizing the voice.

The room now was almost completely dark, and it was then that Light understood the source of the darkness – feathers, black feathers that were slowly covering all surfaces. Astonished, he watched the walls around him melt, baring white bones instead of metal bars. A thunder resounded somewhere, and Light quickly rose at his feet.

"Raito."

_It's not him, he's not here,_ Light thought, _all I see is... death..._

L stood up, and a big piece of his skin fell on the floor. He rose his head, and instead of gray eyes, hollow eye sockets stared. Light felt sticky fingers of fear creeping up his back. L took a step closer to him and reached out with his hand, the last pieces of skin and muscles falling from his fingers, baring bones.

Death was looking at Light through L's empty eyes, was reaching out to him with his hands, and it was terrifying, so terrifying that Light lost his voice. He could only take steps backwards until his back hit soft feathers that now made up the walls.

"L," he whizzed.

"You haven't answered," Death said.

"Bring him back," Light blurted out, watching the grin on skull's face. Skulls's jaws opened and a raucous laughter filled his ears.

"You've made your choice," the voice of Death was almost tender when uttering those words.

Everything went black.

* * *

"Ah, a new one? It's been awhile since we had fresh forces."

"Fresh? You mean rotten?"

Hideous cackles filled his ears. Light cracked his eyes opened, just to see two ugly mugs that were gawking at him. One of them was very tall and looked like his entire body was made of rotten wood, Light even noticed few insects that were swiftly running from one hollow on his body into another. Other one was much shorter and wore a hood on his head, his face hidden behind traditional Noh mask that represented a face of a female. He sticked out his hand and Light noticed it was slimy and had blueish color. The monster meanwhile poked him in the side.

"Welcome, newbie! We are going to be one family from now on till forever!" he said excitedly, and both monsters bursted out laughing sickeningly.

"Heard only good things about you," the wooden one interfered, picking in his ear and pulling a fat caterpillar out of it. "Maybe you will bring some fun into this mash."

Light shook his head, sitting up.

"Where am I?"

"A shinigami realm, of course! You are one of us now, congratulations!"

Gods of death laughed, their laughter echoing in Light's ears.

* * *

"What was that all about, Ryuk?" he asked, bringing his skeleton hands closer to his eyes. "What happened to me after I died?"

They sat on a verge of a high rock, observing the empty gray land underneath. Ryuk was munching on a sandy apple, and seemingly wasn't going to answer.

"Ryuk?" he repeated.

"I don't know," the shinigami replied, sending him a rather annoyed stare. "Stop looking at me like that, you're now even more creepier than you've ever been before."

"Death said I made my choice," he persisted, not paying attention to the complains. He was telling this story to Ryuk for fifteenth time, but the stubborn shinigami didn't want to talk about it. "What does that mean?"

"Your last words were to bring that guy back, right?" Ryuk sighed.

He nodded.

Ryuk shrugged his shoulders and spat the remains of the apple out of his mouth.

"You're a fool, that's all I can say."

Ryuk then stood up, stretched out his wings and hurriedly flew away. He followed the shinigami with his eyes and then turned his gaze to look at the bright ray of light coming out from beneath the ground. Maybe this day he will find what he's been searching for... But the hope was feeble. He could only guess what Death's last words truly meant. Nevertheless, it never hurt to try.

* * *

His wings had no furthers but ugly bones, and he tried not to pay attention to them as he was in a soaring flight across the sky. His eyes searched and read every name he saw written in red letters across the heads of their owners, but never had he found the one he was looking for. Hopeless, he landed on the roof of some building, watching people beneath aimlessly. Suddenly, his eyes caught a glimpse of a lonely figure of a little boy who shuffled across a playground, looking sad. The boy looked like he was four or five years old but it wasn't boy's age that caught his attention. It was the name. 'L' the letter above boy's head read, but the surname wasn't the one he recognized.

Curious, he descended from the roof to take a closer look at the boy. Huge, round puppy eyes and snow-white skin. Puffed cheeks and pink lips. Mess of black hair on his head.

He felt like smiling, only he couldn't really do it having bare skull instead of face. He found _him_. And this time he doesn't have anything to lose.

"You have great deeds awaiting for you," he whispered, wanting to reach out with his hand and touch the boy's hair. "From now on I'll always be watching you. L."

The boy turned around, confusion on his face. For a second he felt like little L saw him, but apparently he didn't, for he shrugged and stuck a finger up his mouth.

He smiled. A whole lifetime awaited for both of them.


End file.
